On April 21, 2014, I got news that no woman wants. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I’d spent two long weeks praying that the abnormality they’d spotted in my mammogram wasn’t cancer. But that prayer went unanswered.
The radiologist’s words hit me like a fist, my sense of shock overwhelming. I cried all the way home, not knowing at this point what kind of breast cancer it was, whether I’d need chemo, or whether I was already beyond hope of remission. The sense that God had let me down, that God had betrayed my faith, was overwhelming.
My prayers in the days that followed were angry, sometimes laced with profanity. I was enraged. Why should I bother to pray if God ignores me? Why pray to a God who advertises miracles but doesn’t pull through when needed? Does God even care?
This was certainly not my first serious setback in life. I’m a survivor of childhood sexual assault. As an added bonus, two men with switchblades—rapists—tried to break into my apartment when I was home alone with my then 9-month-old baby. (They failed thanks to two brave police officers.) A few years after that, I fell a total of 40 feet down the side of a mountain, breaking bones, rupturing my quadriceps, and sustaining a head injury.
I’d felt that God was with me during these tragedies, but not this time.
The ordeal—which brought mastectomies, chemo, and radiation with many challenges and much pain—put my relationship with God on rocky ground. The pastor at my church listened to my rage and fear and told me to consider the fact that I’d already had an appointment with her, arranged two months in advance of my diagnosis, that just happened to fall on the day after I got this terrible news.
God was putting things in place to support me, she said.
I could see that, but what mattered more to me was that God did not spare me this evil or this suffering altogether. I had prayed not to get breast cancer, but I’d gotten breast cancer anyway. Then came the suggestions by friends and strangers on Facebook that this was part of God’s plan for me. That enraged me further. If God’s plan for me was breast cancer, then I wanted nothing to do with God.
The difficulty for me was that I couldn’t walk away from my faith. I knew that God was real. I had what some would call a “conversion experience” in my twenties, so I had no doubt that God was real. But I had prayed, and that damned lump had turned out to be cancer anyway.
What the hell, God?
Without knowing it at the time, I went in search of a believable theodicy—the theological term for the vindication of divine goodness and providence in view of the existence of evil. Theodicy attempts to answer this question: “Why do bad things happen to good people in a world that God created if God loves us as the Bible claims?”
I prayed. I talked with clergy. Then I joined a four-year theology program called Education for Ministry, seeking answers that might reconcile the loving God I thought I knew with the tragic events and suffering of that long, terrible year.
I want to share the answer I found in the hope that it might help someone during this hard time of COVID-19. So many are suffering from illness, isolation, financial despair, unemployment, and the terrible grief of losing loved ones. While literalists and fundamentalists might see God’s hand in this tragedy, blaming it on marriage equality, feminists, or liberals, I cannot believe an angry God sits in heaven with a finger on the Smite button, handing out misfortune and suffering.
But, then, why do bad things happen?
The first part of my answer can be summed up with one word: freedom. God is not a helicopter parent. The construct in which we live is ours to manage as we see fit. Through our own actions and omissions, we cause misfortune for ourselves and others. God cannot honor our free will and at the same time hover over us and fix our mistakes and abuses.
The second part of my answer comes from Theology: A Very Short Introduction, by David F. Ford.
Ford suggests imagining a God “who creates a world in which there is genuine freedom and refuses to manipulate that freedom into always doing good.”
Then he writes: “When freedom is misused, God might offer ways of coping with the results, ways of patience, resistance, healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation. God might even in some sense suffer the consequences of evil, taking responsibility for it by identifying both full with those who undergo it and those who do it. Others could be drawn into this responsibility and a way of life opened up that can both face the worst realistically and also share a new quality of life.”
When these words were read in EfM class one night, they hit me hard. I asked my fellow student to read them again and again. Let me go through it for you.
God, the Creator, gives us a beautiful world and the radical freedom to do wrong. Jesus Christ suffers with us, takes the worst that we are onto the Cross, forgives us, and endures death on our behalf. The Holy Spirit, in the meantime, offers us ways of coping, enabling us to live by Christ’s example “in faith, hope, and love without letting evil have the last word.”
I don’t think a person has to believe in the Trinity for Ford’s theodicy to have meaning. God creates a free world. God causes Jesus to be begotten and born into this world to suffer with us, teach us The Way, and destroy the sting of death so that evil loses its power over us. And God acts through the Holy Spirit to prompt action, bring us comfort, and give us strength.
Over time, as I digested Ford’s words, I came to believe that God suffered through breast cancer with me. I was able to look back and see how God’s people—my faith community and my friends and family—rose up to help me through that terrible time, doing God’s compassionate work with human hearts and hands.
I see now, too, the good that God managed to bring about despite the calamity that cancer wrought in my life. I’m not saying that cancer had a silver lining or that I’m grateful for the experience. I’m saying that God took the darkness of that nightmare and transformed darkness into light. My search for an answer for my own suffering has deepened my faith and strengthened my relationship with God in ways I couldn’t have imagined.
The world is facing unprecedented times with COVID-19, due in part to our own abuse of creation. Human failings and failed institutions cannot be separated from the continued spread of this disease. People are sick, suffering, dying, grieving.
But God has not abandoned us, betrayed us, or stopped loving us. God’s love and compassion for us is unchanged. God is suffering with us and working through the Holy Spirit to bring us comfort, help, and peace.
God can’t promise us that we and our loved ones will never face a diagnosis of cancer or COVID-19 or any other disease. But God does promise that disharmony, disease, and death won’t be our last chapter.




